You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
