You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
