Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
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I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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