I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
