he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
