On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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