tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
