guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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