Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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