ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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