U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
