I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
