Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
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YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize