so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
