He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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