"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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