When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
