i permit you to call me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
