I hate your face
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
