I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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