Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
