gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
