my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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