That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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