Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
