I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
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my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
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When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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