So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
