I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
