the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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