Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
