my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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