Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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