He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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