and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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