I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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