If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
