i permit you to call me
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
