Moan for me like Helen Keller
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
