This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize