I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
