I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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