We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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