From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
