I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
