my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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