1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
