Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
