you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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