Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
