I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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