At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
