if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
