my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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