Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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