It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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