I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
