I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Hippo gnu deer
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
