Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
