He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
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He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
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I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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