remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
